


Heart Beats

by ScullysRightEyebrow



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Cancer Arc, Season/Series 05, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:04:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullysRightEyebrow/pseuds/ScullysRightEyebrow
Summary: Written for Tumblr's "Sharing a Bed" challenge. 
Set during the Cancer Arc, Mulder makes an executive decision when it comes to how many rooms he and Scully will need while on a case.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> You can also find me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/scullys-right-eyebrow-txf

The plump hotel manager took another drag of her cigarette and looked at Mulder warily. He knew that she’d just asked him a question, but he didn’t have a clue of it was. He had far more important matters on his mind tonight. 

“Uh…sorry?” he asked.

“How many rooms do you need?” the manager repeated in a condescendingly slow cadence. 

Mulder glanced out the window and saw Scully dozing restlessly in the car. She looked pale and fragile and there was no way that he was letting her be alone tonight. 

“One room,” he answered. “Two beds,” he added regretfully. 

He wanted nothing more than to sleep in her bed tonight, to hold her until the monsters went away, but he knew that she wouldn’t have it. She didn’t want to show any weakness in front of him. But how could she not know that he could never see her as weak? She’s the strongest person that he’d ever met, but that didn’t keep him from wanting to protect her. Mulder didn’t want Scully to be uncomfortable with him there, but he felt an undeniable need to not let her out of his sight. He rationalized to himself that as long as they were together, nothing bad could happen to her. 

Key in hand, Mulder returned to the car and pulled around to room 116. The motel was like countless other motels they had stayed in through the years, but this was the first time that he wondered if he’d have to carry her over the threshold to the room. Although she had put on a brave face for the investigation, it had obviously taken every bit of energy she had, and by the time the day ended, she could barely stand on her own. Not for the first time, Mulder regretted that he took her at her word when she assured him that she was “fine” and an out of state case would be no problem, despite the side effects of her cancer treatment. 

A treatment that was infinitely worse than the disease. Treatment that left her exhausted, dizzy, nauseous, and in constant pain. She tried to hide it from him, but he knew, and he had to admit that it hurt that she was so reluctant to take comfort in him. 

Mulder looked into her sleeping face, eyebrows drawn in pain and unable to find relief even in sleep, and he once again wished that he could take this from her. He’d take her cancer on himself in a second if given the choice. 

With a sigh, wishing he could just let her sleep, Mulder reluctantly shook her shoulder. “Scully,” he whispered, “we’re at the motel.” 

“Hmm?” she hummed, taking a second to get her bearings. 

“They only had one room,” he told her, “I hope you don’t mind having a roommate.” She’d kick his ass if she found out he was lying, but it was a risk he was willing to take under the circumstances. 

“Oh, okay,” she replied softly, unbuckling her seat belt. The fact that she didn’t put up a fight proved how truly exhausted she was. 

Mulder jumped out of the car and retrieved their bags, returning to her side before she even had a chance to try to stand. 

“Let me give you a hand,” he said, wrapping an arm around her waist for support. 

“I’m fine, Mulder,” Scully said, despite the fact that she leaned into his half embrace. 

They stumble into the room, and Mulder was relieved to find it clean if not outdated by twenty years. It could always be worse. He helped her sit on the bed closest to the bathroom before depositing their bags onto a nearby table. 

“It’s freezing in here. Could you turn on the heat, just for a few minutes?” Scully asked. 

It was actually a rather mild night, but he would do anything she asked of him at this point. “Sure,” he replied, adjusting the thermostat. 

“Thanks,” she responded softly as she dropped her heels to the floor and peeled off her suit jacket. She crawled under the covers of the bed without bothering to change into her pajamas, a very un-Scully thing to do. 

“You okay Scully?” Mulder asked. “Can I get you anything? You need water? A bite to eat?” He hadn’t seen her eat a thing since they hit the road more than 18 hours ago. Another worry to add to his long list. 

“I don’t need anything,” she responded sleepily. “I’m just so tired, Mulder.” 

“Okay, you just rest,” he said, unable to stop himself from placing a soft kiss in her hair. “Let me know if you need anything. And I mean anything.”

Scully only hummed her assent as her exhaustion won out. Mulder was too keyed up to sleep, so he passed the next hour cutting his eyes from the muted baseball game on television to Scully’s sleeping form. She let out occasional moans, the body aches accosting her even in her sleep, but she never woke. 

Mulder had finally begun to feel like he could maybe doze a little when he turned to check on her one last time and his heart jumped into his throat. There was blood covering the lower half of her face, the pillowcase, and the sheets. 

“God,” he whispered harshly, rushing the bathroom to find a box of tissue. “Scully, wake up,” Mulder said as he began to wipe away the blood on her face, only managing to smear it around.

“Mulder, what…Damn it,” she groaned, realizing what was happening. “I’ve got it Mulder,” she said, sitting up and taking the tissues from him. 

Scully moved on unsteady feet toward the bathroom with Mulder trailing behind her like a lost puppy. Her nose was no longer bleeding, so she wet a towel and began to wipe away the blood that covered her face. She looked like she had been on the losing side of a fight. Noticing that her blouse was saturated with spots of blood, she stripped it off before realizing that Mulder was standing helplessly at the bathroom door. Their eyes locked for a moment before she looked away, ashamed.

“Would you get my pajamas from my bag?” she asked him, avoiding eye contact. 

“Of course,” he answered, turning his back. As he rifled through her duffle, he couldn’t get her image out of his head. He knew that she had lost substantial weight, but he could count every rib and her collarbone protruded obscenely from her chest. Despite it all, she was still so beautiful to him. 

Locating her green satin pajamas, Mulder made his way back to the bathroom and silently gave them to her. She whispered her thanks before closing the door between them. He took the opportunity to strip the bloody sheets off her bed, who knows what the maid would think, and turned down his own bed. When Scully emerged from the bathroom, skin clean and drowning in her oversized PJ’s, Mulder put his arms around her shoulders and led her to his bed. 

“I don’t want to put you out,” she said shyly as he helped her in and pulled the covers over her. 

“You’re not putting me out; I was planning on sleeping here too.” He only received her patented arched eyebrow in response. “There’s no couch,” he rationalized. “If it’s okay.” 

He received her small nod in reply and climbed in on the other side of the bed. “Scully, you better not try anything with me tonight,” he said with a grin.

That got him a small laugh and smile. Two of the things that he lived for lately. 

They both lay on their backs in silence, staring at the ceiling. Scully’s exhaustion remained, but she found herself unable to get comfortable with Mulder so close. Not that he made her uncomfortable. All she wanted was to sleep the night away curled in his embrace, and she knew that he would let her. But something stopped her. Something always stopped her. 

As Mulder studied the water stains on the ceiling, his thoughts turned to Eddie Van Blundht. Well, not Eddie Van Blundht himself. His thoughts were on Dana Scully letting Eddie kiss her. Letting Mulder kiss her. She thought it was him, and he wished it were him. He would give anything to be the one who got to kiss Scully. Maybe one day, when she wasn’t as sick and vulnerable as tonight, he’d find the courage to try. 

“Hey Scully, if you do want to try something with me tonight, I won’t tell anyone,” Mulder teased as he turned toward her, at last breaking the tension in the room. 

Scully rolled on her side to face him and shoved his shoulder playfully, her small smile greeting him once again. Mulder was surprised when her hand moved from his shoulder to rest on his neck, and following her lead, he laid his own hand on her side. Her eyes were tired, but he could tell that she had no intention of sleeping. Not only was something on her mind, but it was weighing heavily on her. 

“What’s up, Scully?” Mulder asked, his thumb rubbing soft circles on her waist. 

“It’s nothing, Mulder,” she sighed and closed her eyes in defeat. “It’s just…nothing.”

“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” he said. “Come on, you know you can tell me anything.” 

“I know,” she responded quietly, finally returning her eyes to his. “I just don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

“Scully, your problems are my problems. We’re partners; we’re in this together.”

“This being…?” she asked. 

“Life,” he responded with a shrug. 

Scully nodded, tears beginning to fill her eyes. It felt good to hear the words, to know that she wasn’t alone, despite the fact that she pushed him away so often. Her hand ran down his chest to rest over his heart, taking strength from its strong beats. 

“I, uh, I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday,” she admitted.

Mulder nodded understandingly, “You should have told me.” 

“I didn’t tell anyone,” she answered with a sniffle. “I couldn’t stand to see the hopeful look on their faces before I break the bad news.” 

“Was it bad news?” Mulder asked, his heart beating faster, dreading her answer. 

She didn’t respond right away and her silence was the only answer he needed. “Scully, it’s going to be okay,” he softly encouraged her. 

Scully nodded but he could see her lip trembling in the darkness. He pulled her into him just as sobs began to wrack her body. She had yet to truly share her pain and fear with another person and her tears that soaked his t-shirt were cathartic. She buried her face into his neck, pressed her body against his, and let him totally envelope her with his arms. Scully felt safe in his embrace, like no one or nothing could touch her there. 

They stayed that way long after Scully’s tears ceased. Mulder felt like he was holding on to her for dear life; that if he held her tight enough, death would never come for her. He had just about convinced himself it was true when she finally spoke. 

“I’ve discontinued my treatments,” she mumbled so softly that he prayed her heard her wrong. 

“What…Scully?” Mulder said in confusion, pushing back so he could look into her tear stained face. 

“I can’t do it anymore, I won’t,” she said. “It’s not working. The tumor has grown and it’s just a matter of time before it has metastized. It’s not working and it’s not going to work. And I’m miserable all the time; in pain and sick and I don’t want to be miserable for the remainder of my life. I want to be out here with you. I want to live. I’m not giving up, but I refuse to exist like that any longer.”

Mulder nodded and fought back against his own tears. “Whatever you think is right, Scully. I’m with you.” 

“Thank you,” Scully answered emotionally, a lone tear escaping down her face. It was such a relief to cry, to tell him her decision, to be held in his arms; she felt like a weight had been lifted. She pulled his face to her and kissed away the two small tears that graced his cheeks. She placed a long kiss to his forehead before whispering in his ear, “It’s going to be okay, Mulder.” 

Mulder let out a shuddering breath and pulled her back into his arms. Scully burrowed into his body, seeking comfort for her aching body. She rested her head on his chest and draped the rest of her body against his as his arms tightened around her. 

“Scully?” he said after a few minutes. 

“Hmm?” she asked sleepily. 

“I have to admit something too. I lied about the room. There was more than one available; I just couldn’t stand being without you tonight,” he confessed. 

He was grateful when she laughed rather than demand that he march to the office and get his own room. “I’ll let you off the hook this time,” she muttered into his shirt. “But next time you lie to me, I’ll kick your ass.” 

Mulder smiled. “Yes, ma’am. “ 

Scully’s breaths deepened and it wasn’t long before she was asleep. Mulder tried to doze but he eventually gave up. Deep inside where he tried to deny it, he understood that his time with her was fleeting. How could he sleep, how could he miss even one moment that he had left with her. 

Instead, he pulled her tighter until he could feel her heart beat against his chest. Beats that proved she was still here with him. He didn’t know how many beats were left in that kind, generous, beautiful heart of hers, but he would stay up all night counting them if he had to. As long as he could still count them, there was still hope. 

One, two, three…


End file.
